Moving.

Well, we're moving. It seems to be hitting me one little bit at a time. First, before Tim applied for the position, he asked if I would be ok with moving. I told him I would. It is a great opportunity for him, and the people in his company obviously liked him for the job, "...so go ahead and apply and see what happens.", I said.

No big surprise, he got the job! Which is wonderful! I'm going to be sad about moving away from my family, but I've never really felt anchored to this place for any reason besides them being here. I don't know why, today, I feel a sense of loss. I've had a couple of weeks to adjust to the idea, and to prepare for the move, but today, first thing, I got a call back from a realtor about a townhome I had left a message about. For some reason, it became a little more real to me that we're moving.

I really don't know why I care. I honestly don't love the area we live in now. I think the Kansas City metro area is going to be a good place to live, and I think I will enjoy it. There are lots of things to do (which are desperately lacking in Wichita, unless you like bars), there are trees and clear water, out-door recreation, museums, all kinds of things that I have been longing for. I think it is just the fear of the unknown. And I know that when we get up there, I won't have a support system. I'll be away from my mom and sister for the first time in my life.

Admittedly, the situation, being what it is, couldn't be much better. We will only be about 3 hours away, and will have regularly scheduled business trips back to Wichita, which the kids and I are welcome and able to tag along on. I will still get to see my family every month-ish. Honestly, we don't really spend too much time visiting in person right now. My sister is about 15 minutes away, and my mom is about 50 minutes. I think I make social visits to see them no more than 2 times a month. I see my sister about once a week when I watch my nieces, but we mostly talk on the phone or connect online. Same with mom. I really think it's just fear getting to me, not rational things that I will actually miss.

I've been pretty excited and optimistic about the move, aside from the occasional moment of sadness about my family or panic about finding a place to live. I also will probably have to get rid of my birds, or leave them with my mom until we buy a house. Apparently, it's pretty customary to charge multi-hundred dollar, non-refundable pet deposits for tiny, caged birds in the Kansas City metro. We just can't and won't pay that much money. It's more than we paid for both birds and cages and food and toys, combined. It would be different if it were refundable, but apparently, they use it to "sanitize" the place after you move your pet out. I wonder what that looks like.

We're soon making a trip up to KC for an afternoon of looking at rentals in the burbs. I have a townhome community in mind, but they only have 2 units coming available in the next 2 months, and it's first come first served. Hoping they are still available Friday. We were thinking of living in another town, but I'm starting to think it is just too much driving for Tim. I'd like him to be close to his home office, especially since he will have to drive quite a bit to visit the other regional campuses.

It was a little discouraging to call up and figure out what our utilities will be up there. We live in an apartment that pays trash, sewer and water for us, so we aren't used to those. Plus, it is all electric, so places with additional gas bills add one more bill we don't currently pay. It all adds up. I called the utilities and city works about one property and we would average $140 in additional bills per month that we don't pay now. That's gas, water, sewer, and trash. Probably doesn't sound like much, but to us, it's like tacking on an extra $140 to our rent. That is a lot to us.

I know it will all be ok. I think God has really aligned things for this to take place, so I'm not really worried, but I do have moments of panic. How will we be able to do this? Will it all work out? Will we ever be able to buy a house in the area up there that I like? *sigh* I just have to trust Him. If He leads you to it, He will lead you through it, right? I'm doing the best I can, and waiting expectantly for everything to fall into place miraculously.

Sick.

Why is it that every time I get going on a workout routine, and I'm all motivated and excited and have some momentum starting... I get sick or injured? This has happened so many times to me, I'm starting to wonder if working out MAKES me sick.

I feel a lot better today, after about 5 days of being sick, but I have some yuck in my throat that won't go away and it's not conducive to a good, high-intensity workout. I'm trying out the whole PACE thing, but I'd only gotten 3 workouts in before getting sick.

This has been a really bad winter for illness in my house. I think it probably has something to do with babysitting an infant and toddler whose parents both work in the medical field. All kinds of new germs introduced. Yuck.

I'm pretty tired of the cycle of being sick twice a month, though. I hope it stops soon.

Conflicted

What a day. I'm feeling deeply conflicted about some issues. Pretty sure I know what the answer is, but none of the options are easy. Especially the right one. Choosing do to the right thing over the selfish thing is even harder when the stakes are high. And they are. The only thing that makes it possible is knowing that God is good and faithful and true. I trust him. I have to say, though, "Lord help me with my unbelief."

Random things

Don't you hate it when you finally learn someone's phone number, and then they change it? There are precious few phone numbers that I have memorized. I still remember numbers from pre-pubescence - you know, back before cell phones took over memorizing all of our contacts - but since I got my first cell phone in 1998, I have almost never memorized a phone number. I knew my sister's number at one point... just before she changed it. ;) Besides that, I have probably only memorized phone numbers that spell something, i.e. Cox's customer service number: 263-FAST. I've had the same phone number for a long time, and before that my number had the same suffix, different prefix. That was before you could take your cell number with you when you switched providers. Yes, kids, there once was such a time.

That reminds me, I recently told my 5 year old that when I was little, we didn't have a microwave. I think she is just starting to grasp the concept of times less technologically advanced than this. I actually remember the day my parents bought our first microwave. I was probably around my daughter's age. Weird the things we remember, and the things we forget.

I think I'm going to be writing here more. I have been feeling a little cooped-up and isolated lately. It's hard being home all the time. Maybe writing will help. Tim works weird hours, with 2 late nights a week and alternating fridays and saturdays. It makes it hard to take any classes or join any groups because most things just start too early, or are on his late days. I would love to take a class at the local arts center, but the schedule overlaps with Tim's by like 30 minutes :/ I have been wanting to take a jewelry making class for YEARS but the timing has never been right, or I didn't have the money. I'd also love to take an oil painting class. Or learn to play the violin. Or learn another language. :)

I must be crazy. Maybe I'm just bored. I love to learn new things, though. I have never painted with oils. I've done watercolors and a lot of acrylics, but never oils. I speak un poco Espanol from taking Spanish 1 and 2 in 8th and 9th grades. I can't read music or play any instruments. I think it would be fun to do any of those things, but when you have little kids at home - all the time - it's hard to carve out time for that. I could use some adult-interaction, though, and something that is just about me.

I think my biggest problem is that I have too many interests. There are so many things I want to do that I never end up committing to one and sticking with it long enough to really accomplish anything.

Ok, I'm gonna go watch basketball now. I feel better. :)

Surprise

I was surprised this morning by a hug goodbye and an "I love you" from my husband. Usually... almost always... if I'm asleep when he leaves for work, he just tries not to wake me as he goes. Even in my half-asleep state, I was caught so off-guard that I sort of posed my "I love you, too" as a question. lol

He used to do that all the time, back in our first year or so of marriage. He said he stopped when we had Jace because he didn't want to wake the baby. It's been a long time since we had a baby sleeping with us, though. Wonder what is going through his head today. Maybe he was just happy that I covered him with the blanket this morning when it was freezing in our room. I'm probably way over-thinking it, but it was really out of the ordinary for me. Er... for him. I do that kind of thing all the time. I'm just more openly affectionate than he is.

Maybe someone has been praying. Thank you, if you have, if you're reading this.

*ahhhh* change feels good.

Tonight, I decided to liberate myself from 8 inches of unwanted hair. It feels so good to be rid of it! No pictures of the new 'do yet, but I dig it. I might have my mom trim it up a little more. I was trying to be conservative (relatively speaking), and leave a little extra for the inevitable corrective trimming. Oh... didn't I mention...? I cut it myself. I'm sure the back is crooked as heck, but my hair is wavy (which covers a multitude of sins) and it's good enough for a day or two til I can get to my mom's.

I feel so free! I know it is just a hair cut, but I have kept my hair long for years now, and not purely due to my preference, so cutting it off after dozens of fought-off impulses to do so, really feels great.

Maybe it's a mini mid-life crisis I'm going through, but I just needed a change, and I kind of feel like reclaiming myself from the heap of pseudo-identity that taking on different roles in life has created. I think I'm crawling out of something like apathy.

Besides shedding the mane, I've started working out again. I'm sick of the fatness, and I'm kicking it to the curb. I just finished reading P.A.C.E. : The 12 Minute Fitness Revolution, and tonight, completed my first PACE workout. It felt awesome! I dusted off my high-end rebounder that I had stashed under a bed for at least a year, and did my first high-intensity interval routine. I really like how it feels, and I can't wait to start seeing results. Bye bye, aerobics. Bye bye, fat. :P I realized that I am nearly 30, and if I don't do something about my fatness now, I'm going to get really old really fast. I want to be healthy at 40, not fat and tired and sickly. I'm optimistic about this new program. :) Finding myself wishing I had a stationary bike, though.

Tomorrow may be a monumental day for my family. I asked Tim if I could take the kids to church for Easter, and he eventually settled on coming with us so he can watch them in their class, so they won't be "alone". He doesn't trust anyone with the kids. I assured him that the risk of anything happening to them in that environment is very low, but he insists. Fine with me. Maybe he'll learn something in Sunday School. :) I'm just hoping everyone gets up tomorrow without much trouble. This will be the very first trip to church for the kids, and the first time Tim has gone since we had the kids. Of course, he won't be in the room for the sermon, but oh well. God is good, and he can use anything for his glory. Amen.